Comical Funnies

[rogue]

One day, when this blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
This blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
This blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies: "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[bard]

I got charged £7 for a venison burger.

SPOILER: Click to show

{Click here to show/hide}I thought: . . o O (this was deer).

[galaxy]

Of all the people in the whole of the human race, God chose Adam for a chance in eternal life.
His decision made him shout, as loud as he could: 'Adam! Come forth and win eternal life without aging'.
Unfortunately Adam came fifth and won a toaster.

[carlo]

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harthingy into the shark`s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harp-oonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God`s wisdom."

"Well," the harp-oonist replied, "he knows f#*k all about shark hunting. How`s that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?

[weylin]

A woman goes to her Doctor and says: "Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."
The Doctor had a peep, chuckled and said: "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they are stickers off the bananas!"

[yancy]

I was called into my Matron's office today due to my dress code.
She said: "You can't wear pyjamas at work."
I said: "Why not?, everybody else does."
She said: "That's because they're f*****g patients."